Sunday, October 18, 2009

Are dreams worth the sacrifice?

Everything seems to be falling apart. I thought the last two weeks were an impossible challenge. I have a ton to do, but lack the resources to complete the tasks. Many of these tasks are related to school, bills, financial, and other issues. I feel over stressed.

Today, I had to enter an answer to a credit card security question. The question was - what is your dream job? My dream job is to write movies. I couldn't figure out for the life of me what the answer was. I tried three different variations. Right now, I pissed off about wanting to write film. I could've stumbled over any other question, but it had to be one that's causing me major problems.

Nothing seemed to work. Now I'm locked out of the system. I'm far past being frustrated. I'm starting to regret my career decisions because every negative thing that has been in result of the worthless goal. In the past 15 years, I've struggled to the point of exhaustion. I had to go through things that average people don't commonly experience. I earned many degrees, and also helped many people. What all of it comes down to is who you know. That's a pathetic system. People that have talent and the drive to become successful waste too much time trying to figure out how to survive, they lose their ability to live a dream.

At this very moment, I have this anger that continues to worse. Why do I want to be a film writer? Is it worth the risk? I'm starting to think that I should just abandon this goal. It's not working out for me. I enjoy writing, but as for working in Hollywood; I was cheated out. I had many opportunities. I'm usually in control; there's a reason that I keep failing to make it into Hollywood. I decided that it's time to do something else. I can't pay off my massive student loans writing movies in Hollywood. Hollywood has a specific system that gives success to socialites and other people that have access to the right connections.

while the question was a simple credit card password question, it made me realize that it's a sign to do something else. I still want to write, but maybe I should just be an author instead. I can't handle these unfortunate, recurring bouts anymore. I dedicated half of my life to film; it hasn't done a single thing to make my life better. I'm surprised that I haven't had a heart attack or a mental breakdown. Each time that I make it closer to film, another hardship pushes me back Since 1994, It has been a chronic problem.

I'm tired, frustrated, and infuriated. I need to succeed. I have so much pressure. The student loans are going to compromise the rest of my life. I enjoy writing because I feel confident in my abilities, but I question whether it's worth the sacrifice. When I become successful, there is a strong chance that I'll have major health problems because of stress. Life is never fair. Many people complain about their jobs while others have what it takes to do them. Social and economic disparity makes life unfair. As for my dream job, I'm going to seriously think about what needs to be done. I' refuse to waste anymore time waiting for something that may never come. It's time to be serious. Dreams complicate both a waking and sleeping life.

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